NGE: The Crapalanche
by OXYCODONEFROG
Summary: In which Rei abuses Asuka, Misato fights a fire, Kaji is terrified, Pizza is Pizza, and old man K doesn't care. Rated T for testosterone.


Hey all! OXYCODONEFROG here.

I've recently become infatuated with the Evangelion franchise and, now that I'm finally acquainted with Neon Genesis Evangelion, The End of Evangelion, and the three current Rebuild films, I figured that I'd take another crack at writing, well, crack. Yeah. If you haven't already read my prior Eva fic (NGE: Poop Pebbles), you may want to read that first. Why?

+begins rolling on the ground+ GIMME ATTENTION GIMME ATTENTION GIMME ATTENTION WAAAAAAAAA!

Ha-hem. Well. That was highly embarrassing. Anyway, let's go!

/ / /

Disclaimer: I obviously am not Anno or Gainax; as such, I can lay no claim to anything and everything Evangelion. This [shitty] parody is merely for shiggles.

/ / /

Rei Ayanami stared. And stared. And stared. And _staaaareeeed…_

What, you may ask, was she staring at?

Melons. Watermelons. Juicy, delicious watermelons. All just sitting there – ripe for the picking.

Rei's stomach grumbled. Her mouth watered. She hadn't ever had watermelon before, though she recognized the large fruit almost instantly along one of her many long walks through the Geofront.

"_Perhaps… Perhaps I shall try one?" _Rei blushed faintly at this thought. She couldn't! What if these delicious, ripe, not to mention voluptuous melons belonged to somebody else? Taking the property of someone else was stealing, and stealing was wrong – or so Commander Ikari had said.

"_Bugger what the Commander said." _A small voice seemed to whisper. _"Just because he's a sad, broken man doesn't mean that you can't enjoy yourself every now and then."_

Rei blinked. Had The Voices come back again? Perhaps she'd have to swing by Dr. Akagi's lab later for a psychiatric evaluation and possibly a medication adjustment… _After _she had eaten a watermelon.

"Hey, Frank." A certain fruit said to his neighbor.

"What, Gary?"

"Is it just me, or do you get the feeling that our lives are… I dunno, pointless?"

"Gee, Gary, what makes you ask that?"

Gary the watermelon sighed. Somehow. Despite not having lungs. "Look, we're buried underground as seeds, right? We eventually hit a growth spurt and have to claw our way up through the topsoil. We fill out our figures quite nicely, soak up water in the form of precipitation and solar radiation, but for what?"

"I dunno, Gary." Frank replied.

"You wanna know what I think? I think we're all eventually going to be harvested by a giant, hairy monster who'll either sell us off to the highest bidder, or *gulp* _eat us."_

Frank leveled a good, long look at his vinemate. "Gary, I think you need to get professional help."

"I – But I'm not crazy!" Frank hollered, his internal juices flowing in such a way that one could say he was flushing. "Look at the Kurokis! All fine, and then one day – _BAM! _All thirteen of them vanished without a trace!"

"But that doesn't mean anythi – Why, hello there, Miss. Can I help you wi- OH KAMI-BAKA-SAN-KUN-HENTAI-CHAN-TEME-SAMA!"

_Alpha Line_

Asuka's jaw dropped. For once in her life, the German was speechless. Shinji would've commented, had he not passed out from blood loss due to a rather severe nasal hemorrhage. And all Misato could do was laugh.

Rei blinked. "What?"

Asuka closed her mouth. She then opened it, paused, and then sighed. "Wondergirl, what in the _Hell _are you wearing?"

Rei glanced down at herself. In place of her school uniform or her plugsuit, the albino was wearing two watermelons; one over her chest and one covering her hips. "Watermelons."

"_But Why!? _Why are you wearing," Asuka flung her hands over her head, "_watermelons!?"_

"I have decided to become a crime fighter." Rei said simply. She glanced at the setting sun. "I must go; for as crime never sleeps, so too does Melon Girl."

Misato's laughter intensified to the point that she lost control of her bladder.

_Beta Line_

"Look, I've told you that I don't know how it happened!" Ritsuko yelled into the receiver. "The only thing I know at this point is that the First Child somehow ingested an entire watermelon without chewing! Now, if you'll excuse me, _I have a life to save!_"

Up in what NERV employees referred to as The Crypt, Gendo Ikari blinked. "Fuyutusuki."

"Yes?" The aged sub-Commander of NERV said.

"I was not aware that Ayanami could do that."

"Neither was I, although…"

"You know something about this?" Gendo asked, a rare look of surprise crossing his face.

"Remember back in the spring of 1998?"

Gendo frowned. "The trip to Cancun? Yes, I remember that."

Fuyutusuki sighed. "You were too drunk at the time to remember, but… Yui was one hell of a woman."

A single tear emanated from Gendo's left eye. "That she was."

Both men sighed. "Good ol' Yui…"

/ / /

Life, in Shinji's opinion, hated him. The universe, in said boy's opinion, was out to make him as miserable as possible. He'd only just drifted off to the sweet, sweet oblivion that was sleep when a series of loud, frantic knocks began to pound against his door. "S-SHINJI-KUUUUUUN!" Misato yelled, slurring drunkenly.

"_Misato-san must be on her third case of beer if she's slurring like this…" _Shinji thought as stared forlornly at the ceiling. "Yes, Misato-san?"

"T-tf-THERE'Z A FIRE!"

In precisely 1.2 seconds, Shinji had bolted out of his room. "What!? Fire!? WHERE!?"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!?" Asuka hollered, her usual bad-temper exacerbated by being woken up (especially since she'd been having that one dream about Kaji and the whipped cream).

Misato's droopy, bloodshot eyes frantically tried to focus as she shakily pointed at Asuka. "SHIT, IT'S SPREADING!"

"B-but Misato-san…" Shinji explained, "that's just Asuka."

A vein bulged on the German girl's forehead. "'Just Asuka,' Third?"

Shinji's eyes widened. If he knew Asuka as well as he thought he did, he had a few seconds left to make peace with the universe before Asuka turned him into a finely ground bloody paste. "Er…" He began, only to squeak as a fist rocketed toward him…

And blinked in confusion as Misato sprayed a fire extinguisher on his would-be judge, jury, and executioner.

"AIEEEE!" Asuka squealed, spitting bits of foamy fire retardant out of her mouth. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, MISATO!?"

"NOBODY MESSES WITH MY SHINJI-KUN, YOU-YOU STINKING CONFLAGRATION!" Misato hollered, channeling her inner Drunken Berserker Mama Bear.

Shinji could only watch as his tormenter/potential love interest and his guardian/mother figure/potential love interest duked it out, each screaming and swearing at each other as they bit and scratched and punched the living daylights out of each other.

"Wark!" Pen-Pen toddled up to the confused teenager, handing him an extra-large can of beer. Even though Shinji couldn't understand the hot springs penguin's language, he had the sneaking suspicion that the bird's 'Wark' meant "you're gonna' need it more than me, kid."

/ / /

Life, in Shinji's opinion, hated him. The universe, in said boy's opinion, was out to make him as miserable as possible. He'd only just drifted off to the sweet, sweet oblivion that was sleep when a series of loud, frantic knocks began to pound against his door. "LEMMEIN, LEMMEIN, LET ME IN!"

Shinji blinked in confusion. "Kaji-san?" The teenager shrugged. He didn't really know what to think of the UN agent, but it sounded like he really needed help. So, in an attempt to do the right thing, Shinji opened his bedroom door.

A blur shot past him and, before he could speak or even think, found himself pushed out of the way as a battered-looking Kaji frantically shoved a dresser in front of the door.

"K-Kaji-san!" Shinji wheezed, trying to reclaim the wind that was just knocked out of him. "What's going on!?"

The UN agent's wide, half-crazed eyes rolled over to look at Shinji. "M-M-Mi-Mis- a-an- A-A-As-"

Shinji blinked. "Do you mean Misato-san and Asuka?"

The relatively older man nodded frantically, gasping for breath. "Y-yeah…"

"Is something wrong with them?"

Kaji chuckled. It was a rather unhinged, unhappy sound. "Oh boy, is there ever something wrong with them!"

Shinji's mouth went dry. He licked his lips nervously. "W-what do you mean? What happened?"

"Shinji-kun," Kaji said, fiddling with his damaged shirt, "the shortest answer I can give you is that your guardian and fellow pilot are…" he gulped," … in heat."

"… What?" Was all that the pilot of Unit-01 could say.

Kaji sighed. "Look, I don't know what I did to piss her off, but Rits slipped those two an aphrodisiac. They-They've…" The man shuddered. "I only barely managed to get away…"

"So where-" Shinji began, before screaming with Kaji as a manicured fist burst through the cheap apartment door.

"Oh, _Kaaaaaaa~jiiiiiiiiiii…" _A pair of husky voices called.

"… Shinji-kun?"

"Y-Yes, Kaji-san?"

"You don't have a window, do you?"

"It d-doesn't open…"

The two men could only stare in abject horror as the barrier between them and the she-demons began to give way. All seemed lost, until…

"Shinji-kun."

Shinji's head shot up, eyes wide. "A-Ayanami!?"

A metal grate clattered to the floor as the First Child pushed her torso out of the ventilation system. "Shinji-kun, there isn't much time. Take my hand."

Kaji mouthed in protest as he watched Ikari's spawn be pulled to the safety of the heating and cooling duct. "… HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME!?"

Rei's voice drifted out of the vent. "You are too big."

And then the door gave way.

/ / /

Kaworu grimaced. "Must I?"

Gendo nodded. "You must."

"Even though you could put my abilities to far better use?"

"Yes. Now," Gendo handed the hybrid a stake and a trash bag, "you do the crime; you do the time."

"Yes, sir…" Kaworu muttered miserably.

And so began the Tokyo-Three Highway Beautification Project.

/ / /

"**CHOOSE! CHOSE THE FORM OF THE DESTRUCTOR!"**

Inside the EVA, Asuka rolled her eyes. Granted, the progenitor of the human race was nothing to roll one's eyes at, but still. "Oh, I get it. Real cute!" The red behemoth known as Unit-02 turned to face the three EVAs behind it. "Whatever we think of – if we think of Gendo Ikari, Gendo Ikari will appear and destroy us, okay? So empty your heads, don't think of anything. We've only got one shot at this!"

"**THE DECISION IS MADE!" **Lilith boomed.

"Whoa! Hold on!" Asuka yelled, fear flooding through her system.

"**THE PROGENATOR HAS COME!" **And with that, Lilith disappeared in a flash of light.

"B-But! But nobody chose anything!" Asuka bellowed, slamming her fists down on the EVA's butterfly controls. She leveled a glare at Rei. "Did you choose anything, Wondergirl?"

"No." Rei replied. She turned to Unit-05. "Did you?"

Kaworu shrugged inside the entry plug. "My mind is totally blank."

"Well, _I _didn't choose anything!" Asuka sniffed. Just then a thought struck her. Slowly, Units 00, 02, and 05 turned to look at the demonic visage of Unit-01.

"I-I couldn't help it! It just popped in there!" Shinji pleaded.

"What." Asuka said, so angry that, paradoxically, she was calm. "What 'just popped in there?'"

Shinji gulped. "I-I-I tried to think of noth-"

"Look!" Kaworu exclaimed, pointing behind a skyscraper. The other Evangelion pilots fell silent. Were those thumps… Footsteps?

"No… It-It can't be!" Shinji shouted, eyes widening in fright.

Kaworu tilted his head slightly. "What?"

"It can't be!" Shinji repeated.

"Third…" Asuka hissed. "What. Did. You. _DO!?"_

Rei, uncharacteristically, was the first to respond. Even more uncharacteristically, she swore. "OH, _SHIT!_" Then again, seeing a pure-white, stark-naked, 10,000-meter tall version of her made of marshmallow would be the thing to disconcert the unflappable First Child.

"There's something you don't see everyday…" Asuka deadpanned.

Shinji sighed. "It's a Giant Naked Rei."

Unit-00 aped Rei's facepalm.

Asuka shrugged. "I guess you were right, Shinji; you're so fucked up."

/ / /

_NERV – Ladies Locker Room_…

"_Huh." _Asuka thought, glancing over at Rei. _"The carpet really _does _match the curtains."_

/ / /

"Rei."

"Yes, Commander?"

"You haven't touched your food. Is something the matter?"

Rei frowned slightly. "I am… confused."

"Explain." Gendo said, placing his chopsticks down and assuming the Gendo Pose™.

"Pilot Soryu claims that I am unable to shake my moneymaker…"

"…"

"Commander Ikari… What is a moneymaker? And am I unable to shake it?"

"Rei," Gendo said, pinching the bridge of his nose in a rare show of emotion, "I don't think I'm qualified to tell you that."

"Oh…" Subtle disappointment crept into the girl's voice.

Gendo paused for a moment. "Rei… Meet Major Katsuragi in conference room four in thirty minutes."

"Yes, Commander." Rei said, bowing as she took her leave.

Gendo sighed, picking a phone up from its receiver.

_Later…_

"Pilot Soryu."

"What the hell do you want, Wondergirl?" The irate German snapped.

Rei cleared her throat, moving her plugsuit-clad hands roughly at shoulder level. She then extended her pointer fingers and gyrated them while bouncing up and down. "Woop, woop." She droned, moving butt-first towards the Second Child. "Pull over, that ass too fat."

Asuka stared at the First Child. "… Wondergirl, what the fuck was that lame shit?"

Rei simply bent over and shat out the Lance of Longinus, effectively impaling the disagreeable girl through the face.

/ / /

Asuka Shikinami was not scared. She was a Big Girl; and Big Girls are never scared.

But, as she was pushed into the core of Unit-03, Asuka felt unadulterated terror at what she saw.

"NO! NOT THE BEES!"

/ / /

/ / /

Shinji Ikari closed his eyes and sighed happily as he stepped into Tokyo-Three's only Dominos, letting the scent of baked Italian goods wash over him. He wasn't usually this happy; but, then again, he rarely had pizza, so there you go.

"Ah, Shinji-kun! May I take your order?"

Coming back to reality, Shinji gasped when he saw the person standing behind the cash register. "K-Kaworu-kun? What are you doing here? I thought you were still being detained in the Geofront!"

His half-angel friend smiled. "I was up until a day ago. You see, the Sub-Commander felt that it would be a waste of resources to keep me confined now that Adam and Lilith are dead. So, after signing a contract with NERV and the U.N, I was released and assigned a transitory entry-level job."

"That's wonderful, Kaworu-kun!" Shinji cried. "Hey, is your schedule going to be open anytime soon? I'd really like to hang out sometime!"

Kaworu sighed. "I'd like nothing better, Shinji-kun, but my probation leaves me with very little free time." Seeing Shinji's dejected look, the hybrid hastily added, "But I'm sure that my schedule will open up in a month or two."

Shinji shrugged. "As long as you haven't been enslaved or anything, I guess it's fine." He peered up at the menu. "Hey, is it true that the pizza here is the best around in Tokyo-Three?"

Kaworu gave a small bow. "Of course. Our pizza is rivaled by none."

"Do not believe his lies, Ikari-kun."

Shinji whipped around to see Rei, clad in an orange tee shirt and black pants. Her eyes had a determined, steely glint to them. "Oh, Ayanami-san!"

Kaworu blinked. "Hello, Ayanami-san. May I inquire as to what lies I'm telling Shinji-kun?"

If looks could kill, Kaworu's head would be at the bottom of Terminal Dogma's LCL lake. "Dominos is an overpriced producer of sub-par pizza. He is coming with me to Little Caesar's; the best pizza restaurant in Tokyo-Three."

Shinji gulped. _"Mustn't run away, mustn't run away, mustn't run away..." _Screwing up what little courage he possessed, Shinji said, "Hey, I'm sure that you both make good pizza..."

And that was when a red-and-black blur jumped through the window, showering the three squabbling teenagers with shards of glass (assuming neither Rei nor Kaworu reacted fast enough to protect themselves and Shinji with their A.T Fields). "You're pathetic, Third!" The figure yelled, brushing her long amber locks behind her shoulders.

Shinji's jaw hit the floor. _"Asuka?"_

The feisty German girl snorted derisively. "Who else? Now c'mon; Pizza Hut is obviously the best!"

"Why?" Kaworu and Rei said in unison. They may not have liked each other very much, but they disliked the pilot of Unit-02 more than anything else.

"Because I work there, you Twilight-rejects!" Asuka hollered, face flushing as red as her Eva. "Let's go, Shi..." The three teenagers saw Shinji running down the street, trying to get as far away from the deranged pizza people as humanly possible. "... t..." Asuka finished. "AFTER HIM!" And with that, Asuka grabbed a stool and tossed it through another window, jumping out after it.

Kaworu sniffed. "TAKE MY LOVE, SHINJI-KUN!" He proceeded to chase after Asuka.

Rei grimaced. "He is mine." With near-inhuman speed, Rei shot off after her dear Shinji-kun.

Speaking of her dear Shinji-kun, the poor, terrified boy was racing through downtown Tokyo-Three. "I WANNA RUN AWAY! I WANNA RUN AWAY!" He screamed. Those screams turned into a noise akin to a piglet passing a kidney stone when a VTOL flying overhead opened its bomb doors.

And from out of the bomb doors flew a faux-blond bombshell. "SHINJI!" Dr. Ritsuko Akagi yelled, clutching multiple pizza boxes to her chest. "EAT AT SBARRO'S!"

Just then, a girl wearing a World War One bomber jacket descended from right the fuck out of nowhere, kicking the good doctor in the kidneys and knocking her off course. "WHY EAT OUT WHEN YOU CAN ENJOY RED BARON PIZZA IN THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME!?" Mari yelled, before squawking in fright as the round from a bazooka narrowly missed her head.

"PAPA MURPHY'S, BITCH!" Misato yelled, wildly firing off rounds from her handgun.

_"Gotta get away... Gotta get away..." _Shinji panted, sliding underneath a nearby bridge. As it just so happened, there was an emergency exit to the Geofront built in to the alcove. Shinji hastily yanked his NERV ID card out of his breast pocket and ran it over a scanner. A green LED flashed on, signaling that the door was now unlocked and that whoever unlocked it had better get their sorry butts in there. Quick as lightning, Unit-01's pilot barreled into the exit, slamming the door shut behind him. He sighed in relief...

And then screamed as the floor gave way; gravity shunting him none-too-gently into a long, twisty, metal slide.

"O NOES!" The Eva pilot screamed in lolcat speak. Because primal terror totally does that to people. Yeah. Deal with it. "Y DIS HAPEN TO MEE!?oneoneslash!?1/!?"

Thankfully, the author was spared having to write more of that rubbish by Shinji's convenient crash landing on the Tree of Sephiroth. Groaning in pain, fear, and confusion, the adolescent looked up to see his father staring out at the majestic vista his office provided him. "D-Dad?"

"Shinji…" Gendo boomed, turning around to face his son: his son who, for the record, was now screaming. The amber lenses of his father's glasses had been replaced by slowly rotating pizzas. "Eat my fucking pizza."

At this point, the Geofront shook violently as an absolutely colossal four-cheese pizza descended toward the Pizza-ramid. Behind his pizza glasses, Gendo blinked. "… It's an angel." He sighed. "Shinji, get in Pizzagelion Unit-01."

"Auff… Blarg? Haggl waggl foonf!" Shinji babbled, his mind broken beyond repair by the ooey-gooey cheesy madness of the past twenty minutes.

For no adequately explained reason, Unit-01 went berserk. It did have a tendency to do that; damn thing fucked up Faceless NPC No. 514 pretty bad earlier this week. With a roar of hunger and rage (but mostly hunger), Unit-01's jaw restraints broke as smashed through NERV headquarters, tearing its way outside in a matter of seconds. Without preamble, Unit-01 punched a hole through the angelic pizza, already sinking its teeth into the creature's delicious hide. In its final moments, the pizza cursed the fact that a giant, robotic Barney-looking motherfucker was devouring it.

Once it was finished eating, Unit-01 turned its gaze upon its husband and son. The awesomeness of this gaze made Gendo spontaneously combust. His death was not a great loss.

"_**NO, SHINJI," **_Unit-01 rasped. _**"YOU ARE THE PIZZA."**_

And then Shinji was a pizza.

/ / /

Things were looking bad. The sixteenth angel had almost completely assimilated Rei, Asuka was catatonic and therefore about as helpful as a sack of potatoes, and Shinji was, well, Shinji. All seemed lost, until…

"_WARK!"_

"I-is that…?" Rei panted, grimacing as the angel burrowed further into her.

"No way…" Shinji gasped, his jaw flapping in the LCL.

"_Pen-Pen!?" _Misato yelled.

And so it was. The hot springs penguin had been chilling at home, drinking beer and reading the newspaper, when _something _began to tug at the edge of his consciousness. Pen-Pen didn't know what it was, but he felt that he absolutely _must _go outside.

Of course, his avian intuition was proven right when he saw the giant glowing snake burrow into that one giant blue robot. If Pen-Pen recalled correctly, that pale broad was inside the robot. He hadn't seen her too often, but she seemed like a pretty good person, if a bit odd (then again, anybody who wasn't insane in this damn town was a freak of nature).

Pen-Pen was a good citizen; he simply could not let this travesty occur.

So he toddled up to the writhing forms of Unit-00 and Armisael, bellowing the traditional war cry of his proud ancestors. Not knowing what else to do, Pen-Pen began pecking and clawing at the glowing form of the sixteenth angel.

This, of course, only mildly irritated the tentacle monster. So, like a good neighbor – er, I mean like a bolt of lightning, Armisael shot toward the genetically modified bird, intending to squish him flat.

And then Pen-Pen opened his beak, swallowing the incoming angel. With a mighty pull, the penguin began to slurp the sixteenth down like a bowl of noodles.

"What." Shinji said.

"H-Huh?" Asuka muttered, the sheer absurdity of the situation temporarily bringing her out of her catatonic state.

Rei only sighed in confusion (and relief) as the angel was yanked out of her.

Unit-00 did nothing because it was an ungrateful bitch.

"_What is this I don't even-" _The sixteenth angel thought before it was completely sucked into the bird's digestive tract.

Pen-Pen belched.

/ / /

"Pilot Soryu."

Asuka grimaced. What the hell did that doll want? "What, Wondergirl?"

Rei fidgeted. "Pilot Soryu, I have to make a confession…"

"Can't you confess to someone else?" Asuka growled.

"Do… Do you…" Rei took a deep breath. "Did you happen to receive roses and a box of chocolates in your school locker two weeks ago?"

Asuka blinked. "… And you know this because…?"

Rei gulped. "They were from me."

"Wut?" Asuka replied intelligently.

"Whenever I find myself in your presence," Rei said, blushing faintly, "I feel… Warm inside. Bubbly." The albino paused. "At first I thought I was feeling revulsion, but, after extensive research…"

"Guh?" Asuka guhed.

Rei fixed the redhead with a determined gaze. "I… I believe what I feel for you is love, Asuka-san."

"Flumm-MMMMMMMMPH!" Asuka babbled, only to be cut off by Rei kissing her.

And that's when Toji, who had snuck up unnoticed, hit the German girl in the skull with a baseball bat, sending her to the world of dreams.

Rei gazed down at the German girl. "I thank you for your assistance, Suzuhara-kun. It should be much easier to win Ikari-kun's affections with the Second Child out of the way."

Toji shrugged. "Anytime. Although…" The jock frowned. "What're we going to do with her?"

"Be at rest, Suzuhara-kun." Rei intoned, stuffing the prone form of the Second Child into the garbage bag she had brought along. "I have ascertained what to do with Pilot Soryu."

"Okay. Just don't do anything rash."

"I would never act on impulse." Rei deadpanned, walking off into the depths of Tokyo-Three.

Toji just shook his head. "Man, Ikari, you really got some interesting women…"

Rei hummed contentedly. The fireplace she had recently installed in her apartment providing her both with warmth and light to read a book by. Glancing up, the albino observed Asuka's rigid form in the corner of her room. Her lips curled up into a small smile as she shut her copy of _Taxidermy for Dummies._

"_Innit she a beaut?" _Rei thought, chuckling with amusement.

/ / /

The fourteenth angel had arrived, and quickly ruined Asuka's and Rei's shit. Unit-01, at this point the only functional Eva, was refusing the dummy plug; and Shinji was nowhere to be found. Let's see… Did I forget anything…? … Ah, yes! And Zeruel was currently digging his way into the Central Dogma command center.

"How much time is left until the angel fully compromises Central Dogma?" Gendo said, one of the very few people in NERV who wasn't freaking the fuck out.

"ONE MINUTE!" Makoto shrieked in a decidedly unmanly way. "OH SWEET KAMI, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"_I'M ON FIIIIIIRE!" _Maya squealed. Indeed, the only female bridge bunny had somehow managed to light her own hair on fire and was currently running around like a chicken with its head cut off, bellowing in pain and terror in a way that a chicken with its head cut off couldn't as it had neither the head nor the proper vocal chords to bellow in pain and terror.

Aoba just stared at his hand through bloodshot eyes. "Dude… I am, like, so fucking stoned right now…" He giggled, spontaneously voiding his bowels.

"Dr. Akagi." Gendo said; only to be drowned out by the general sounds that people make when they're panicking and/or high as a kite. "Dr. Akagi!"

"She can't hear you, sir." Fuyutsuki said, taking pleasure in the fact that, due to his location, he would prove all those bastards wrong by being the last to die.

Gendo simply reached underneath his desk, pulled out a megaphone, and switched it on. "WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU FUCKING ASS BURGLARS!?"

Silence descended upon the command deck like schoolchildren on a pack of gum.

"Thank you." Gendo said, resuming his typical brooding pose. "Now, Dr. Akagi, release Project G."

Ritsuko paled. "P-Project G, sir?"

Gendo frowned. "I was not aware that you had hearing difficulties, Dr. Akagi." Gloved hands picked up a megaphone. "RELEASE PROJECT G!"

"Y-Yes, sir…" Ritsuko gulped, pulling a trigger out of her lab coat. "Now releasing Project G…"

_Click._

_BOOM!_

At that exact moment, Zeruel finally broke into Central Dogma. All everybody did, aside from Gendo (who saw scarier bowel movements) and Fuyutsuki (who, having experienced the terror and unending agony of chronic constipation, remained unimpressed), collectively shat themselves as the fourteenth angel towered over them, a massive orb of plasma charging in his skull-like face. Gendo smirked up at the creature. "Why, hello there. You may want to look over to your left right… about…" He peered down at his wristwatch. "… now."

For the second time that day, a section of the command bridge exploded: though it was due to a giant reptilian figure this time around. Zeruel turned, registering the fact that a giant reptile was going to hit him with a haymaker before a clawed fist bashed against his face.

"No way…" Makoto breathed, gazing up at the creature as it roared its defiance, slamming Zeruel into the Eva catapults repeatedly. "Is that…?"

"Totally is, dude!" Aoba shouted, throwing his bag of chips into the air in celebration. He then realized that his munchies required further treatment and began crawling on the floor, hoping to find crumbs (maybe even a Skittle or two).

"_WITH THE BURNING!" _Maya roared in agony, the fire in her hair continuing to burn. Aoba saw the closet lesbian running around on fire and, like all responsible citizens, put it out.

Too bad 'putting it out' involved urinating on the poor woman.

Misato shook her head. "Maybe it's just the beer, but did anyone else just see Godzilla trash the angel?"

Ritsuko sighed. "No, but I could really go for a stiff drink or seven."

"_GREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"_ Godzilla screeched, blasting Zeruel with her nuclear breath until the angel was nothing but a radioactive puddle of slag.

"Father!" Shinji yelled, running into the ruin that was Central Dogma. "Let me pilot Unit-01!" … At least, that's what he would've said; he only got halfway through 'pilot' before a steel girder fell and crushed the teen into a bloody smear.

"… Clean up in aisle four." Gendo said, obviously not caring about his only son's untimely death.

Fuyutsuki groaned. "Ikari, that is _cold, _even for you."

"I changed his diapers once." Gendo said, shuddering slightly at the memory. "I vowed to never again clean up after him."

"_HREEEEEEAAAAAAAA!" _Godzilla trumpeted in agreement, walking off into the beautiful sunset.

/ / /

Rei glanced up at the redheaded girl who had just spoken to her.

"I'm Asuka Langley Soryu! Let's be friends?"

"Why?" Rei asked, returning her gaze to the book in her lap.

Asuka frowned. "It'd be more convenient that way."

Rei snapped her book shut, put it in her book bag, and stood up to face the Second Child. "… Yeeeeees… You'll do."

"I'll… I'll do?" Asuka asked, disconcerted by the First Child's behavior.

"For the cave."

"The… Cave?"

Rei smiled at Asuka. It was not a pleasant smile like the one she showed to Shinji; no, this was a demented, malevolent grin. "The Slave Cave. I hope you like chains and whips."

/ / /

"Kaworu-kun… Why?" Shinji asked his best (see: only) friend, who was currently stuck in Unit-01's tightly clenched fist.

"Fuck you, Shinji." Kaworu said, wriggling his arms free and giving Shinji a double bird salute. "Fuck you."

/ / /

Mana Kirishima locked herself in the bathroom, gulping nervously as she removed her blouse and looked at her rather small chest.

"_If… Maybe Ikari-kun will notice me if I look more mature?_"

Mana closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to jump. "{mini-jiggle} I must! {mini-jiggle} I must! {mini-jiggle} I must increase my bust {mini-jiggle}!"

/ / /

Well, thassa' rap. Liked it? Loved it? Want to nail me to a tree and light me on fire? Send in the reviews! Constrictive criticism is appreciated, and I do so enjoy getting any sort of feedback about my writing (if you can call it writing, that is).

Hope ya' enjoyed it!


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